Текст песни Wife of Bath (Baba Brinkman) с переводом

Once upon a time quite long ago

When King Arthur was in charge of the round table

Yeah, that’s right, you heard me — just listen

It’s a hip-hop rendition of an Arthurian legend

And the early religion at that time that time was pagan

They had elves and fairies and dragons

And tree spirits, and those sorts of things

According to old books: Lord of the Rings

And the bible; I know, they’re just metaphorical

Allegorical instead of historical

Sorry folks, but this isn’t your show

I decide how the story is told

And besides, nowadays the fairies have vanished

Banished just ‘cause some of us aren’t very imaginative

Fairy-killers are known by various adjectives

Skeptics, atheists, rationalists

Anyway, maybe the change was all good

‘Cause in those days, a woman couldn’t walk in the woods

And feel safe, without being chased by an incubus

Ew! Or some other beast tryin' to cling to us

So maybe the spirit world’s death was worth it

Now that sex abuse is mainly just in churches

And other places of worship — women have it better now

Disrespect us and you’ll never live it down

But back to the lecture at hand

One of King Arthur’s knights was a strapping young man

Who went out hawkin' with his peregrine falcon

One day, and met a young girl out walkin'

And instead of playing a chivalrous gentleman’s game

He took her virginity while she protested in vain

Shame! A sympathetic delegation

Pressured King Arthur to condemn the filthy rapist

In the girl’s name, and the King said, «Yes

Off with his head!» and sent him to his death

But the queen, Guinevere, and the other women there

Persuaded him, that was just a bit severe

They figured rehabilitative justice was the best solution

Instead of retribution

So King Arthur gave him to the Queen, to maim, kill or save him

She was supreme as Elena Kagan

Crossed with Kiera Knightly; Guinevere was rightly

Appointed to judge the tearful knight’s pleas

She said, «Hmm, I’m lookin' at a dead man

Unless you can answer one simple question

Tell me what women want — answer truthfully

Don’t try to get it from a Mel Gibson movie

Or a sleazy pick-up artist’s book

You have one year to give this riddle your hardest look

And then we’ll see what people think, is he right?

Or is he just the weakest link? Goodbye!»

The knight was terrified; he started traveling

The land, asking random people for their advice

Hoping to find some kind of clear answer

But he could barely find a pair of matched words

Disaster! They all said something different

Some said, «Women just wanna be respected»

Other said «We want a family, a sense of security

Necklace, bracelets, and all other types of jewelry»

And some said «Women just want simple happiness»

Or «Hot sex to express our inner nastiness»

And some said, «Nah, you gotta flatter chicks, personally»

I admit, that does tend to work for me!

Others said, «We want danger; we might not admit it

But we’re on for the chase and we want ‘em to come and get us

Plus we love a young thug that’s overflowin' with swag

And keeps his woman all draped in new Louis Vuitton bags!

I know what them girls! I know!

I know what them girls like!

Anyway, the end of the year finally came

And the knight had no idea what he was gonna say

To the Queen; I mean, he was really desperate

As he headed back to the castle to accept his fate

And get his neck split, but along the way

The knight happened to pass through a dark forest glade

And he saw a circle of beautiful dancing girls

They giggled and played and laughed and twirled

And then… poof! The dancers vanished

And instead he saw the oldest woman on the planet

She was foul, her body shriveled and tiny

Her clothes ripped and grimy; he figured mid-nineties

She said: «Ooh, tell me, why so sad?

I’ll try to give you some wise advice if I can!»

And the knight collapsed at her feet and begged her

«Please! Advice, that’s exactly what I need!

Unless I can tell the queen what women want

She’s gonna kill me — listen, if you help me

I can make you wealthy!» And she said: «Okay then

But can I have anything I ask as payment?»

«Anything I have, take it!» He replied

And she said: «Alright, I’ll keep you alive»

And she whispered a secret in his ear and escorted him in

To report it to the court women

Now, so many women had assembled to hear

What the knight was gonna say at the end of his year

That the place was at capacity, widows and spinsters

Teenagers, wives, and old women with dentures

The Queen was on high, ready to pass judgment

With guards standing by to take his ass to the dungeon

The knight stood in front of them; he cleared his throat

And said in a manly voice: «Okay, here we go

Here’s what women desire most: sovereignty

Never submission, only dominancy

And especially over men, over husbands and lovers

That’s what women want; you want to live above us!

You don’t have to make every decision, but you always

Have to make the decision whether to make the decision

So, what’s it gonna be?

Is there any woman here who really doesn’t agree?»

Unanimous agreement — the knight had it!

Even women who like women said he was right, on average

The only people who disagreed with everybody

Were the ones whose college major was in «Gender Studies»

‘Cause they didn’t think «gender» was a natural category…

Anyway, back to the story

The Queen was in agreement and just about to release him

When that same old lady he met earlier that evening

Shouted: «Wait! First I wanna speak!

I taught him that secret, and he promised me

Anything I wanted, well here’s my request

Marry me, baby, and take me to bed!»

«I did promise,» said the knight «I admit it

«But please, just choose something different!

Take everything I own; take my money, my home

Anything you want, just leave my body alone!»

And the old crone said, «Aw, so sweet!

But money is something I’m too old to need

I just want you to hold me, baby; caress me

Touch me all over and make me feel sexy!»

He tried to negotiate, but there was no escape

They were married the very next day

And after the vows, it was straight in the bedroom

The knight was crying, his ancient wife lying next to him

Smiling, like: «Honey, I need some attention!

Why are you curled up in the fetal position?

Is this how all of King Arthur’s Knights act

When they bring a new wife back for their first night in the sack?

I saved your life; why would you take offense?

Just tell me what’s wrong, and I’ll try to make amends»

«Amends?!?» said the knight, «You disgusting creature

You’re about as sexy as Mother Theresa!

You’re low class, you’re old, and you’re hideous too

I’d rather be dead than stuck in bed with you!»

And she said, «Aw, is that really all it is?

You don’t like me ‘cause I’m old and ugly and not rich?

Well, just listen to what I have to say

We’ll see if it’s really impossible to convince a man to change

First of all, class? Really? You bring up classism?

Everyone knows that’s an anachronism

Except in India, where they still have a caste system

And in Britain, where it’s their accents that restrict them

But everywhere else people know, the only inheritance

You get from rich parents is arrogance

You can get money from them, but not wisdom

You’re suffering from rich-person-autism: ‘Rot-ism'

It’s a disease, a lack of social skills

That comes from never having struggled to float the bills

Too much caviar, cocaine, and canapés

No humility; most of humanity can’t relate

Now, if your parents were charismatic, that might impress me

If your dad was Martin Luther King, or John F Kennedy?

Maybe you could say: ‘My genes were my best gifts'

But no one cares if your parents were just rich!

They care about your choices, and the good works you do

Those are the only true sources of virtue

And if I’m old and ugly, well look on the bright side

You never have to worry about what I’m up to at nighttime

Other men live in fear of their wives cheating on them

But that’s only a problem because other people want them

But I know how to make you happy — you choose

You could have me young and beautiful, with huge boobs

And Scarlett Johansson hourglass curves

I could make this happen with a couple of magic words

But if you choose a young beautiful wife

Then other men will come and try to seduce me at night

And I just might, ‘cause I’ll be young and playful

Or you could have me this age, and faithful!»

And the knight sighed and said, «I…

Think I need to let my wise wife decide

Whichever you prefer, I’ll accept it»

And the old woman asked him one final question

Like: «Does that mean I’m in charge? Let’s be clear!»

And knight said the magic words: «Yes dear»

And she said, «That was the right answer

Any man who accepts his wife as his master

Will have both beauty and fidelity

(As far he knows) and that’s what you’ll get from me!»

And poof! She changed into Scarlett Johannson’s twin

And the knight was bathed in a bath of bliss

And he kissed her a thousand times, and that’s how they lived

For the rest of their lives, faithful and passionate

And that’s the end

Now my story is spoken

Now ladies, let us pray

Let us pray for husbands easily broken

Let us pray for men of courage and compassion, men of skill

And wisdom, the wisdom to bend to women’s will

Let us pray for men with girth and length

Men with talent and rhythm, men with hand strength

And let us especially pray for the tragic men

Who lack the common sense to recognize the fact

Of natural female dominance

Let them repent, or be taken by pestilence

And let women never, ever

Ever have sex with them

Amen