Текст песни The Wife of Bath's Tale (Baba Brinkman) с переводом

Back in the days of the Dark Ages

When King Arthur made his mark, and courageous

Knights — with tight young pages — embarked

On outrageous quests and fought for ladies' hearts

The shady parts among the hills and knolls

Were filled with fairies, elves and trolls

And dwarves were known to dwell in holes

And nymphs to succor willing souls

These thrilling folds, in time, emerged as

Badly out of line with churches

Which cursed all fairy-kind and purged us

To cleanse us of our primal urges

To try and discourage us from growing tense

The hills were filled with «holy men,»

And now women could lie alone, content

Without the old incubi, only them

And so it went that from King Arthur’s court

A strong young warrior marched his horse

And through the woods he charted his course

And he met a young girl in the heart of the forest

And with heartless force, in less than a minute he

Committed an act of criminal obscenity

And since there was no one else in the vicinity

No one prevented him from taking her virginity

This sinister deed was so repugnant

That the knight was thrown in the castle dungeon

To await judgement, but what should be done with him?

King Arthur favoured capital punishment

A tactic of governments that live in fear

But the Queen, Gwenevere, whispered in his ear:

«My Lord, his remorse is not insincere;

I suggest we let the poor kid live a year

In fact, give him here; let me deal with him.»

And King Arthur granted her appeal, a decision

That revealed he was a man of vision and real wisdom

That is, a husband able to still listen

And from his steel prison the knight was brought

To the Queen, who said, «Boy, you’re in a tight spot

Your guilt is certain, but your life is not

Your head might head right to the chopping block

Or you might just walk, and get clemency

But only if you can tell me what women need

«Answer me what it is every woman’s tendency

To want, and I’ll suspend sentencing

Now let your penance bring you some cheer;

Come here again after one year

And then I want to hear from you some clear

Response; now, I suggest you run, dear.»

And Gwenevere gave him his walking papers

And the knight thanked her, and set off on this caper

To save his life, and began to talk to his neighbours'

Wives, and got them to list off their favourites

Like a census taker; he took to the streets

And spent a year asking every woman he’d meet:

«If you could have just one thing, what would it be?»

But you wouldn’t believe the diversity;

They just couldn’t agree; once asked

Some said this, and some said that

They said: confidence, compliments, comfort, class

Compassion, fashion, or for their passion to come back

And as the months passed, the knight realized

That he would soon be deceased unless he arrived

At a conclusion, and he badly needed to be advised

‘Cause with all this confusion he could only theorize

And he wouldn’t be alive to end the debate;

And after eleven months and twenty-six days

He still wasn’t sure what he intended to say

As he headed back to the court to be handed his fate

And what could stand in his way? On the road home

The knight ran into an ugly old crone

Whose face was so wrinkled he thought it had no bones

And as he passed, she heard a low moan

And asked, «So alone, without any company?

Something’s eating you, boy, anyone can see

But what could upset someone so young and sweet?

It’s gonna be okay, son; you can come to me

If you need comforting.»

And the knight was so distressed

That he lowered his defenses and took a load off his chest

And wept, and told the oldest woman he’d met

The whole messy story of his hopeless quest

And the approach of his death, and when she got the gist

Of his predicament, she said, «Promise me this:

The next thing I ask for, you’ll honestly give

And I’ll tell you what the answer to your quandary is.»

«As long as I live,» the knight frantically stressed

«I promise, if I can, I’ll grant your request!»

And with that, she laid the man’s panic to rest

And taught him the bottom line, the way to answer best

The standing question that had been on his mind:

Like, «how in God’s name do you please womankind?»

The knight had spent a year listening blind

To opinions, and found all women differently inclined

But when his time was finally expired

Again the knight stood in the line of fire

Before the court and Queen, in their fine attire

And he said, «Strike me dead if you think I’m a liar;

Women desire to have sovereignty

Over their loves, and to have their husbands be

Happy if wives live above them, free

Now, is there any woman here who doesn’t agree?»

And everyone could see that the knight had it right

And he didn’t deserve to be sacrificed

And the Queen was about to give him back his life

When at that precise moment, that old nasty wife

Who just last night was so happy to save him

She stood up and smiled with the face of a raisin

And said, «He just recited the answer I gave him

Now he owes me a favour, and I’m ready for payment!»

And instead of evasion, the knight cheerfully

Agreed, «Fair is fair, what kind of care do you need?»

And she turned to the Queen and said, «Ooh, he’s very sweet

And I’ll get all the care I need when he marries me!»

The knight stared in disbelief at the smiling face

Of this tiny old granny of at least ninety-eight

Whose eye kept climbing his thighs in a slimy way

And he realized there was no line of escape

Though he still tried to beg, and barter and plead

And he offered the deed to his father’s property

And sobbed, «Take whatever you want, please;

Impoverish me, just let my body go free!»

But it was obvious she needed no persuading;

She said, «Oh baby, you know I’m an old lady

Decades over eighty; there’s no way you can pay me

Enough, now take me before I go crazy!»

And since there was no debating, the knight refused to get

Too upset, for fear he might lose his head

And that very same night the «I do’s» were said

And with the Queen’s blessing the two were wed

And went straight to their bed and began undressing

But when his manly flesh felt those wrinkled hands caressing

The knight decided he just couldn’t stand the rest

And he cried, «I can’t handle this; it’s scandalous!»

And his wife grinned with lips like an empty cave

And asked, «Is this how all men behave

On their wedding day, when their lives have been saved

By their wives, and they’ve escaped knives with thin blades?

Other knights have been brave when their freedom’s suspended

But I can see by your face that you believe I’ve offended

You, though I never intended to; perhaps it can be mended;

Just tell me what I did, and I’ll try to amend it.»

«When this marriage is ended, then I think I’ll be happy!»

Said the knight, «‘Cause you’re low-class, wrinkled and nasty

The type that would do anything to entrap me!»

And she asked, «Do you really find these things distracting

When we’re interacting?»

«Definitely!»

Said the knight, «How else would you expect it to be?»

And she said, «Then all I ask is that you listen to me

And we’ll see if after you think differently

«You've given me two reasons why you can’t love me;

You find me disgusting because I’m low-class and ugly;

Well, as for low-class, you can’t rashly judge me;

Class is just something that holds us back, and nothing

Goes bad as fast as the souls of nobility

«Whose workloads leave them with gold, but no ability

To show compassion, cash but no humility

«Besides, with the middle-class and upward-mobility

The only gentility left with any importance

Proceeds from a person’s actions, not their fortunes

So no more ill-inform class distortions!

«And as for the fact that I’m not exactly gorgeous

Perhaps you’re just gonna have to be grateful

That you’re in a marriage that you’re actually able

To trust, ‘cause I pretty much have to be faithful;

But if you’d rather have me attractive, just say so

‘Cause I can magically change to the shape of a blushing

Young maid with a face that’s both graceful and lovely

But in that case you’ll never be able to trust me

Would you rather a sexy, disgracefully lusty

Insatiable slut, finding ways to annoy you

Who raises up your jealous rage to a boil

Or would you rather have me this age, and loyal?»

But the knight couldn’t say which would make this enjoyable

And which would spoil the mood, and he sighed

«You are truly wise, my toothless bride;

I think you should choose between the two sides

And I’ll make do with whatever you decide.»

And as soon as the knight let his wife get control

Of his life, and truly decided to let go

The next moment she changed from a gray, decrepit old

Creature to a young lady with such incredible

Features, the knight was speechless and stood in a trance

More deeply enchanted each time he took in a glance

And his wife saw his standing as stiff as a wooden lance

And said, «Few understand the union of woman and man;

Common sense says we should be treated the same

But what’s really needed to keep people sane

Is for men to treat women like queens with free domain

And as soon as you agreed to give me the reigns

It allowed me to change and become graceful and beautiful

And young, and still remain faithful and dutiful

‘Cause you’ll never make me behave in an unsuitable

Way, now that you understand the undisputable

Root of all happy relationships!»

And with that she leaned forward and gave him a kiss

And the knight was bathed in a sense of weightlessness

And they lived out the rest of their days in bliss